Gym Bunny Foo Foo

Ok blog, so today was the first day of my new workout plan! My new year's resolution is to get a "beach body." You know, like in Star magazine, how they have the best and worst beach bodies. Don't think I've gone all obsessive about my body image though and that I'm gonna stop eating Wendy's [sidenote: I tried the $.99 "double stack" today and it was actually $1.69]. I don't care if I end up with a "worst" beach body, it's just better than my current "couch body." And, although I love the biannual "Best/Worst Beach Body" issue it's always kind of bittersweet because you know it's only being published because it's been a slow Britney week.

Ok, now I will tell you about the gym. I belong to the NYSC (New York Sports Club). I have the "passport" membership where you can go to any location you want but I always seem to end up at the 86th and Lex location. When I was unemployed, I used to go to the gym at either 1o:45 (to catch the last ten minutes of Drew Carey fucking up The Price Is Right) or at 2 p.m. (to conveniently miss the lunch time rush). The two most interesting people that would go to the gym during this time interval were this crazy exerexic woman who was always on the Elliptical and this funny old lady with too many face-lifts that I swear had her Nike Shox died to match the fuschia hue of her sports bra. BTW, the crazy exerexic was ALWAYS at the gym whenever I went. Like, if I was there at 10:45, she was there. And if I was there at 2:30, she was there. She would always use the same elliptical right next to the staircase. I totally thought she was a crazy exerexic, but then one day after the New York marathon I had this thought like, "what if she's not exerexic but just training for a marathon and has to do 23 miles on the elliptical every day." Do people train for marathons by using ellipticals? Hmmm.

Today, however, since I've started a new job and a new workout plan, I had to go to the gym in the evening. I've only been to my gym once before during peak hours and it was totally embarrassing. I was on the elliptical and singing "Gimme More" kind of loudly with my headphones on and there was this totally long line of people waiting to use elliptical machines. Then this trainer came over and kicked me off the elliptical because I had exceeded my "peak hour limit" of 30 minutes. So you can imagine how terrified I was of going to the gym this evening. I went at 9:00, in an attempt to miss peak hours. When I arrived, though, the gym was still quite crowded. I was supposed to do weight training so I went to the totally homosocial free weight area. All of these terrifying muscular straight men were working out and I had a flashback to high school gym class (which was not fun for me). I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror and the horribly unflattering overhead lighting made me look like a monster! I panicked and fled the free weight area like Frankenstein or the Beast from Beauty and the Beast or Mothra in any Mothra movie [I would have a better simile but I just asked my roommate, "Michael, what's a monster movie where the monster realizes he's hideous and goes on a rampage and stuff?" and he was like, "hmrmmffmrmr" because he was brushing his teeth].

I was about to leave the gym when, suddenly, I found sanctuary! The weight machines!!! What is it about the weight machines that makes them so much less intimidating then the free weights? I LOVE the weight machines!! They're so easy and amazing! You just move the little pin to change the weight--you don't have to grudgingly load and unload cumbersome bars. Furthermore, they have comfortable padded handles and don't make your hands smell weirdly metallic after you've used them. I don't understand why the straight boys refuse to use them. Here is a sort of analogy that people use to explain to me why no one except for girls and gay boys use the weight machines. Free weights : weight machines :: cherry pie baked from scratch : cherry pie baked with Sandra Lee's semi-homemade methods. Do you understand this analogy? It's kind of like when you make a pie from scratch it "tastes better" or is more holistic or some shit like that. But you know what, no one's gonna be tasting my pie, they're only gonna be looking at it! And by "pie" I mean my "beach body," not "vagina." Maybe the straight boys are in on some secret about the free weights, but goddamn it, if you make something easier for me, I'm gonna do it the easy way! If people didn't cut corners there'd be no circles!!!!!! And no pie for that matter (since a pie is essentially a circle)!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Ok, so after I left the sanctuary of the weight machines I started to enjoy the gym because I realized that the more crowded and obnoxious the gym is, the more weirdos there are! For instance I saw identical latino teenage triplets all trying to use the cable weight machine at once!!!! And then they all went over to the treadmills and got on three consecutive ones and started running! You can't make this shit up! The moral of the story is: I'm going back to the gym tomorrow to see if those triplets are still hanging around! THE END