Hello blog. Guess what? You're my brunch partner this Saturday. I woke up this morning at like 11 and rushed to my phone, seeing if there were any TEXTS. Kind of like on Christmas morning when you rush to the Christmas Tree to find your presents. How many of my LOVING and ADORING friends want to have BRUNCH WITH ME TODAY????? Well, the answer was a BIG OLD GOOSE EGG: ZERO!!!! Yes, I know, it's hard to believe, but no one wanted to have brunch with me today.... URGH. Which is too bad, because I LOVE BRUNCH. I kind of fashion myself as a LADY WHO BRUNCHES. Speaking of which, last week, I went to TWO BRUNCHES in ONE DAY. I know, CRAZY!!!! I had brunch at the Essex, which was good but slightly terrifying because it was like 11:30 AM and there were girls in cocktail dresses and heels pretending to be Carries, Charlottes, Mirandas, and Samanthas. Then, later at 4 PM, I had brunch at Bondi Road, which is DELISHUZ, and provides you with an UNLIMITED FLOW OF ALCOHOL. Need I say more? Oh, actually I do. I was going to tell you why I love BRUNCH so much. It is because I LOVE LUNCH. Like, I love lunch foods. Regular blog readers will recall the time I tried to order a Big Mac at 9:00 AM and was rejected by my local McDonald's. Well, I love BRUNCH because it is a pretense for me to eat LUNCH FOODS in a BREAKFAST SITUATION. MUAHAHAHAHAH!!!!
Oh, now I will tell you about the STRANGE DREAM I had this morning. You know, like those dreams you have right when you're about to wake up. Ok, so my dream starts with me I guess in Manhattan with some freinds. The friends are like real people, but I can't at the moment remember which ones. So we're all like, "what should we do today?" And then someone suggests--I don't remember who--that we walk to New Jersey to go to like some imaginary island in New Jersey. I know, I know, New Jersey doesn't have any islands--but it was a dream. So we get to the New York/New Jersey border and there's like all these gates with these Orthodox Jews guarding them. And they have guns! So I think to myself in my dream that we must be in Brooklyn, like in that Orthodox Jew part, and that we need to go through these gates to get to New Jersey. My friends are hesitant to go through the gates, but I am not, so I bust through them. Then the Jews start yelling at me in some weird language (maybe Hebrew? but I don't know any Hebrew so I'm not sure if I can conjure it in a dream) and I'm all like "FUCK YOU. FUCK YOU MOTHERFUCKERS. YOU CAN'T STOP ME." And then they're like still trying to stop me and I'm all like, "THAT'S RIGHT! I'M A FAGGOT!" and I say it really sassily and then make it through the gates. Oh, and my friends are with me. So then we all look around this new land we're in, and it doesn't look like New Jersey. So there is like a random coffee shop, so we go inside it and ask this person where we are, and they're like, "you're in ISRAEL!" And then I'm like, "OH HELL NO! OH HELL NO WE AREN'T IN ISRAEL." And then I'm like, "well, let's just walk back through the gates to New York." And the dude in the coffee shop is like, "No, you can't do that. You'll have to take the LONG way to Jersey."
THE END
How weird, right????? I would try to dream analyze me, but I don't really care enough.
PEACE IN THE MIDDLE EAST
xoxo
Craig
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2 comments:
I would brunch with you any day. I'de brunch with you three times in one day, just to break your record. ~Dorian
I like brunch because I love eating breakfast foods in the afternoon.
And alcohol.
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