My Schmo-Called Life

Why hello blog,

It’s been awhile… well, it always is! My excuse is that I might have been going through some MAJOR LIFE CHANGES instead of blogging. Namely, I lost my job due to YOURS TRULY--the CHOZ-FILES BLOG. Yesss, my nameless employer discovered my blog one day, and, well… I won’t get into the details in case any future employer ever googles me, but let’s just they did NOT have a sense of humor!!! I tried to tell them that Craig Chosney doesn’t write THE CHOZ-FILES, but rather his evil Jewish counterpart, Craig Chozstein does, but they didn’t want to hear it. I was kind of bummed to get the can, but since I hated my job so much it's kind of great to not want to KILL MYSELF every morning. And not to worry, fair reader, I am successfully collecting unemployment! Muahahhah. Every week I receive a little present from all of you taxpayers! And let me just say, it’s GOOD on the other side! And like a vampire after its first taste of blood, after you get a sip of welfare, you want MORE. Here is me after tasting unemployment benefits:



Yessssss. I now understand why people adopt like twelve foster kids and then keep them all in a basement with inadequate living conditions. To pocket the FREE GOVERNMENT MONEY and spend it on things like Nintendo DS games and sneakers (for themselves--not the kids, silly)! Not to worry though, intrepid reader, I have not simply been idly spending tax payer $$$ without engaging in some form of CIVIC DUTY. I have the utmost fortune to currently be serving on JURY DUTY!!!!!:



And not just any old jury—a GRAND jury. Yes, I won the juror lottery (now if I could only win that INSANE mega-millions on Friday) and am serving on a grand jury for FOUR WEEKS. I can’t tell you any of the salacious details of the many felony cases it has been my privilege to indict or not indict (that's what the Grand Jury does if you didn't know), but I will tell you that many involve people stealing from Duane Reade. And, fair reader, after spending $8 for a bottle of Febreeze there just yesterday (I had an odor emergency—don’t ask) I can understand WHY. Because Duane Reade is PURE EVIL. The GOOD THING about jury duty is that I have my afternoons FREE. I will say that although I have spent a fair amount of time watching daytime television (Matlock and Law & Order: CI play everyday from 3-5 on channel 55!!!!!) and playing Pokemon Diamond on Nintendo DS, I have also spent time preparing to apply for GRAD SCHOOL! URRRRGH. Yes, another life change! And I may be leaving fair NYC after four years to return to cheaper pastures until matriculation. So don’t say I didn’t warn you.