Suidspiration #2

OH HAI BLOG.  I was perusing some of my old posts, and remembered that I had started a new feature on my blog where I posted "suidspirations" or reasons for killing yourself.  And then I remembered a suidspiration that I had meant to post about AGES AGO but then forgot.  So here it is:

Today's suidspiration is a DREAM I HAD that is a PORTENT OF THE FUTURE.  Yessssss.  American Indians believed that dreams were literal visions of the future, so of course this dream is going to come true, and it is reason enough to KILL YOURSELF.  GET READY.  (oh, and i really did dream this.  I'm not making it up)


I had a dream that....  BARBRA STREISAND AND BETTY WHITE DIED ON THE SAME DAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Yes, shocking, I KNOW.  Losing just one of these ladies is bad enough, but having both die on the same day is just TOO MUCH FOR ONE TO TAKE.  Of course, this might not happen.  But do you want to tell the American Indians that their interpretations of dreams IS WRONG????  I don't.  You might lose your scalp.  Although I am sort of mad at the American Indians right now.  I was trying to find spiritual guidance using my ANIMAL SPIRIT which of course is the ORCA, but then I took a quiz on the internet and it told me that my animal spirit was a SPIDER.  Which MADE ME MAD.  How is a stupid spider supposed to guide me?????   URRRRRGH.  Everyone knows that the ORCA aka KILLER WHALE is my spirit animal because of the following reasons:

1.  I really like eating calamari when I go to restaurants
2.  I look good in both black and white colors
3.  When I was a child my favorite stuffed animal was an orca named SPANGLE (well, okay, second-favorite after Sonic the Hedgehog--who I used to dress up in my brother's old cabbage patch kid's clothes.  PPS I didn't get Poochie until college so he doesn't count as a childhood stuffed animal) TWINSIES:

4.  One time Lizzie and I went to a dance club in Columbus where we found and stole an orca shaped pillow and then I wrote a poem about the experience called "splash" (because whales make splashing noises and the assignment required the use of onomatopoeia) and the people in my creative writing class all thought that the poem was about me going to the GAY BAR SPLASH and getting DATE RAPED
5.  The background wallpaper on my blackberry is an ORCA
and FINALLY
6.  I think that MAX SPLASH the LISA FRANK ORCA is TOTS ADORABLE

Clearly the universe has indicated to me that my spirit animal is the orca!!!!  How could it be a SPIDER???? I can't even CROCHET let alone SPIN A WEB!!!!!  Riddle me that AMERICAN INDIANS.

I need to figure this out QUICK because I am in desperate need of contacting my spirit animal for guidance regarding the MURDEROUS THOUGHTS I have been having about my MOTHER.  Just now, I was eating peanut butter in my room with a spoon because I CAN and my mom was like, "CRAAAAIG!!!!!  Where's the peanut butter??????  Did you take it into your room????? You can't have PEANUT BUTTER in your ROOM!!!!!!!!!"

NAMASTE




PPS.  I think an orca would EAT HER.  Where's the peanut butter now, biotch?