DOWN WITH BODY FASCISTS/UP WITH FASCISM!!!!!

OH HAI BLOG.  Guess what???  No, silly, I didn't shave a picture of Miss Piggy into the back of my head!!!!  I have a NEW IDOL.  So step aside YOKO ONO, because my new idol is NONE OTHER than ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER!!!!!!!!  OMG OMG.  Not only is he GOVERNOR OF CALIFONIA, he is SEXXXXXY and INSPIRATIONAL to boot.  Look at how young and sexxxxxy he was!!!:

On a side note, can we talk about California for just a minute????  Like, I know I'm supposed to be glad that Prop 8 is overturned and like WOOHOO for equality and everything but like

1.  I AM SINGLE AND CURRENTLY HAVE NO PROSPECTS IN INDIANA
2.  I AM BROKE (and weddings are really expensive)
3.  Did I mention I was single?  How the fuck am I supposed to feel HAPPY for gays that can get married in California when I am HORRIBLY BITTER with regards to all HAPPY GAY COUPLES????????

AND REALLY GAYS????  REALLY??????  Like are you really fucking excited that you can now register at TARGET and buy your fucking partner a band from TIFFANYS and pick out matching tuxes and spend like mucho DINERO on a FUCKING WEDDING and force your fucking friends to drink Riesling (or maybe even a worse wine like... CHARDONNAY (OH THE HORROR)) when they don't WANT TO (FRANK BRUNI I'm talking to YOU) when people are STARVING AND DYING OF AIDS AND CHINA IS PROBABLY BUILDING A GIANT ROBOT COMPRISED OF FIVE SMALLER ROBOTS TO COME AND KILL US????????  Did anyone remember that marriage is AN EVIL HETERONORMATIVE INSTITUTION THAT STEMS FROM a capitalist tradition of TREATING WOMEN AS CHATTEL??????????????  Like HEY GAYS!!!!!!!!  Remember when we DIDN'T WANT TO BE STRAIGHT???????????  URRRRGHHHGHGHGHGH......  DOWN WITH HETERONORMATIVITY!!!!!!!!!  Ughhh.  Why do I always feel like I'm the only radical lesbian feminist in the room?????  I think it's because the gays of my generation have been listening to too much Taylor Swift.  When I think of Tim McGraw I think of MOLOTOV COCKTAILS.... MUAHAHAH.  Oh well.  I have a PLAN though.  First, I will win the MEGA MILLIONS lottery.  Then, I will buy an island and turn it into my own GAY NATION STATE-- "GAYSREAL."  I mean, come on.  If the Jews can get a nation state, I figure the gays can, too.  Right????  The number one export will be GLAMOR!!!!  And there will be NO MARRIAGE ALLOWED.  And Tyra Banks will be on the five dollar bill (I, of course, will be on all of the other denominations). Actually, it's not modeled after Israel... it's modeled after the fictional nation of GENOSHA (like, when it was under Magneto's rule)!!!!!  Muahahha.  Maybe it can be called "GAYOSHA." Hmmmm....  I think it could happen.  If Arnold can become governator, I could definitely become a gay dictator.  Hmmm... "THE GAYDICATOR."  I like that.  And as gaydicator, I would have the DOPEST SHADES EVER.  Like, my outfits would put Kim Jong-Il to SHAME.

OH, yeah, so I was talking about Arnold and how he is my new idol.  Well, it all started when I worked my FUCKING ASS OFF at the gym from like January to June, going like FIVE DAYS A WEEK and then NO ONE NOTICED because not only are the gays marriage-crazy and heteronormativity-seeking, but they are also BODY FASCISTS.  Like, I thought I looked really good, but I still looked like a SLOB compared to all the gays with like 6-packs.  There I was, on the beach with two 40s (all the better to start a party with!) and feeling totally ostracized.  Well, that is ALL CHANGING because I purchased Arnold Schwarzenegger's book THE NEW ENCYCLOPEDIA OF MODERN BODYBUILDING and it is totally INSPIRATIONAL and all about how Arnold applied his "NO PAIN, NO GAIN" philosophy to both sport and LIFE and now he is BANGING A KENNEDY.  So as much as I hate BODY FASCISTS, I say to them "GAME ON MOTHERFUCKERS."  I am now going to go to the gym SIX DAYS A WEEK.  So FUCK YOU.  And when I get HOT I will TAKE OVER THE WORLD.  And in GAYOSHA or GAYSREAL (or whatever I decide to call it) all BODY FASCISTS will be INSTANTLY PUT TO DEATH.  Along with any other DISSENTERS, straights that don't pretend to be gay, women that give birth, or ugly people (just kidding--they'll just have to live in the slum as second-class citizens). MUAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH. 

PPS.  Did I mention that my first act as Gayoshan or Gaysraelian dictator will be to commission the construction of a GIANT HOT GLUE GUN that I will then use to bully smaller nations with the threat of hot-gluing giant RHINESTONES to their INFRASTRUCTURE?????  MUAHAHAHAHHA.