The Single Gay Guy that is Keeping a Sex Diary to Show How Stupid Sex Diaries Are: DAY ONE

Does anyone ever read those RETARDED sex diaries on NYmag.com???? Well, I DO and I HATE THEM. They are just like so fucking FAKE AND STUPID. Like is it just me or do they always seem like they have more sex than anyone else and are like always masturbating????? Or they like have five current fuck buddies but are like in love with their best friend? Well, I have decided to keep my OWN sex diary for one week to show what NORMAL (non-nymphomaniac) PEOPLE'S SEX LIVES ARE LIKE. I will post daily the diary for YESTERDAY. Here I go:

DAY ONE

10:20 am
Just left meeting with my company’s evil HR department. They refuse to promote me until January, even though they were supposed to promote me LAST FUCKING JANUARY. I HATE THIS PLACE. Have decided to go on strike for the day.

1:00 pm
After thinking of ways to get revenge on my workplace, decide to become wiccan and cast diabolical hexes and curses on everyone in the HR department. Go to libarary on my lunch break and check out book Idiot’s Guide to Wicca and Witchcraft.

4:00 pm
After reading book at work instead of doing actual work, decide that my wiccan name will be Cactusruby Magpie. Let’s see how many boyfriends that snags me when I drop it at a cocktail party. Muahhahah.

6:00 pm
Meet best girlfriend and gayfriend at Madison Square Park. Eat a $5.75 malted milkshake from Shake Shack for dinner. Why is the line for this place always so fucking long? And why don't they serve shakes in the B-Line? I can get a fucking concrete in the
B-Line but not a shake. How is it easier to make a concrete then it is to make a shake????Urgh, so fatttt. Now no one will sleep with me.

7:00 pm
Go into Goodwill. Search for magick raiments to wear during magick rituals, unless I decide to perform them “skyclad” (wiccan for “naked”). Find a scarf with a cheetah on it. Purchase for $3.99. Make best girlfriend buy it because I don’t have cash. Imagine a sexy skyclad ritual devolving into gay wiccan orgy.

7:30 pm
Visit Enchantments, the wicca and witchcraft store in the East Village. Everyone that works there is like a gay wiccan dude. Maybe this will work out for me and I’ll get some wiccan dick.

8:00 pm
Return to my apartment with gayfriend. Girlfriend goes home. We read wicca book on my bed and determine the numerology for our magick names while wearing caftans and wigs. Cleanse quartz crystals.

8:30 pm
Two other friends come over with a gay I’ve never met in tow. He’s really cute, but now have no chance with him because my apartment is filthy and he sees me in a wig and a caftan.

8:45 pm
I let out a really nasty fart and REALLY ruin my chances with the cute new gay. We decide to leave my apartment because it smells really horrible now and go to my friend’s apartment who lives a few blocks away to try on wigs.

10:30 pm
Am exhausted from trying on wigs. Go home and go to bed.