Hmmm... Sunday morning and me without a hangover! What could be going on? Well, in case this memo is finding you late, I have MOVED BACK TO INDIANA!!!! Yes, my "life change" actually happened. URRRgghhhh. I am in Indiana. Where there is nothing to do and no gay people. Case in point: I went to what is called "The Fashion Mall" (yes, it's called "The Fashion Mall"--I think because it has a Nordstroms?) which is like the nicest mall in Indianapolis and I was convinced that I would see at least ONE GAY because everyone knows that gays love to work retail and/or go to the mall. Well, long story short there were NO GAYS IN THE ENTIRE MALL. The guy working at the cellphone skin kiosk was kind of creepy, but not necessarily gay. And there weren't even any baby gays working in BANANA REPUBLIC or GAP!!!! Has the world gone TOPSY TURVY???? NO GAYBIES WORKING IN BANANA REPUBLIC???? BLarrGHGH! So, yeah. I have been STAYING IN EVERY NIGHT with my MOM, who has me sleeping in a room she calls "The Yellow Room" where everything is YELLOW. I would go into hilarious detail but it's actually NOT FUNNY. EVERYTHING IS FUCKING YELLOW.
But you know what, blogosphere? When faced with such a depressing change of pace a normal person might go to the bar, get really drunk, and do something incredibly stupid, but instead of letting my new scenery get me down, I choose rather to liken my move from NYC to Indianapolis to OBI WAN KENOBI'S move from Coruscant to Tattooine following the fall of the Galatic Republic. And what did Obi Wan do on Tattooine? Practice his JEDI MASTER SKILLS. Which is exactly what I am doing in Indiana. Practicing my MAD SKILLZ. I've even accomplished QUITE A BIT so far. This is what I've done:
1. Joined a gym. Yes. And since I have nothing better to do than GO EVERY DAY I am going to get MAD HOT. In fact, I think that in a few months I might even have a body like "The Situation" on that Jersey Shore show!
2. Caught up on all of my reality television shows. In NYC, I lacked cable. (Well, I had that weird free city cable where the only cable channels you get are TBS and the Food Network) Now that I have full cable I have caught up on ALL Bravo/MTV/VH1 reality shows that are worth watching. New favorite: SEX REHAB with Dr. Drew. LOVES IT! Also: Can fucking Tamra from Housewives of OC just GO AWAY. She is a mega-cunt.
3. Re-read the Tin-Tin books in search of homoerotic subtext. And you know what? I couldn't FIND ANY! (and I'm like REALLY REALLY good at finding homoerotic subtext. It might be one of my mutant powers) Yes, I would love a flirtation between Tin-Tin and that SEXY Captain Haddock, but, ALAS, Tin-Tin is NOT GAY. The only thing gay about Tin-Tin is that he is overly attached to a small, white dog. But that alone DOES NOT MAKE YOU GAY. Plus he's Belgian. WTF.
4. Upgraded my Netflix subscription to THREE DISCS at a time. Yeah, I know. CRAZY, right? I like to walk on the wild side. Maybe now I'll finally be able to catch up on Battlestar Gallactica!
5. Switched to a new, more gentle dental floss. It was ABOUT DAMN TIME! Ha HAH! (yess, I know this seems banal, but when living in the midwest, paying for a NEW $4 dental floss is a BIG DEAL)
Well, that's about it for now. I have some other things in the works, but like any STUD poker player (pun INTENDED since I will soon resemble "The Situation") I don't like to show ALL MY CARDS. Muahhahahah.
P.S. Happy Birthday Andrew!
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