So, as you know, I am spending time in Indiana with my lovely mother, who has been driving me SLOWLY INSANE for the last TWENTY-SIX FUCKING YEARS. Case in point: yesterday, my mother was engaging in her favorite daily pasttime of BERATING ME FOR NOT HAVING A JOB AT THE MOMENT by lamenting, "you know, Craig, all of my friends that have kids your age tell me about the things they're doing, and I don't have anything to tell them about you." To which I responded, "well mom, I'm only twenty-six. I've still got time." To which she replied, "Not REALLY. In 24 years you'll be FIFTY. THINK ABOUT THAT." But dear blogosphere, don't worry, she's not all PISS and VINEGAR. My mom isn't exactly a PFLAG mother--you won't find her marching in any parades anytime soon, but as her love language is "gifting," sometimes she leaves strange gay-themed gifts in my room that she thinks I would like, along with the requisite newspaper clippings about AIDS safety and new super-strains of Syphillis, to make up for her bitchiness. So, I SHIT YOU NOT, in the last week my mom has given me the following:
1. A FRAMED POSTER of Tim Curry dressed as Dr. Frank N. Furter.
2. All of my dead grandmother's clip-on costume jewelry EARRINGS.
3. A stragne homoerotic brochure/catalog from the 1970's entitled "American Fashion."
I HAVE NO IDEA where she finds these things, but let's just say that I am TERRIFIED AS TO WHAT I AM GETTING FOR CHRISTMAS. So essentially, FUCK CHRISTMAS. All I really wanted were a bottle of Jack Daniels and a Prada Robot Keychain, but since I have a tendency to abuse alcohol and am NEVER EVER going to get that Robot Keychain I've decided to focus my efforts on the next upcomoing holiday: NEW YEARS. And as much as I like to malign my mother, she has inadvertantly given me the PERFECT IDEA for my NEW YEARS PARTY OUTFIT thanks to AMERICAN FASHION (which I have scanned for your viewing pleasure):
BTW, can we talk about the guy bending over and peering out between his legs? Like WTF. I TOLD you it was HOMOEROTIC. But, what is my GRAND IDEA for a New Year's outfit, you ask? I shall tell you: A JUMPSUIT.
WORN WITH CLIP-ON EARRINGS.
TAKE THAT FUCKING LIVESTRONG BRACELETS! I sound your DEATH KNELL with the ADVENT OF JUMPSUITS AND CLIP-ON EARRINGS FOR MEN!!!!!! MUAHAHAHAHAHHAHA. Much as I proclaimed 2007 the YEAR OF THE SCRUNCHIE, I now proclaim 2010 the year of the JUMPSUIT WORN WITH CLIP-ON EARRINGS (or EARRING. it's okay to wear just one.)!!!!!
BTW what is up with EVERYONE in Indiana STILL WEARING THOSE FUCKING YELLOW LIVESTRONG BRACELETS??? Like, that was cool in the YEAR 2000. Like NINE FUCKING YEARS AGO. Why are people still wearing them? Yeah, I suppose that supporting cancer research never goes out of style, but am I really supposed to be impressed by the fact that 17 cents on the ONE DOLLAR you spent for that thing in the year 2003 went to support cancer research whereas by purchasing an ugly, yellow, plastic bracelet you have inadvertantly supported an inequality-producing system of GLOBAL CAPITALISM. I don't know where Livestrong bracelets are made, but I ASSUME that they are made in CHINA so bully for FUCKING YOU, you've helped fight cancer but have increased CARBON EMISSIONS by having that bracelet shipped from the factory to your FUCKING WRIST making the planet a little LESS SUSTAINABLE for ALL OF US. URRRRGH.
Hmmmm.... Maybe they should start selling Livestrong bracelets with DIAMONDS and donate the proceeds to cancer research and the prevention of BLOOD DIAMOND MINING? A Livestrong with some BLING? THAT I might WEAR! It could be the perfect finishing touch for my New Year's JUMPSUIT!
FA LA LA LA LA
Craig
P.S. HAPPY 23rd BIRTHDAY MIKE!!!!
UPDATE: MUAHAHAHHA!!! I have just passive-aggresively gotten back at my mother by purchasing her the SUSAN BOYLE "I dreamed a dream" CD FOR CHRISTMAS on Amazon.com. Yeah, yeah. I know I'm supporting Global Capitalism but it's going to be totally worth it. MUAHHAHAHAH.
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