How are you? What? Oh great. Yeah, I'm good. IN FACT, I'm BETTER than GOOD. Why, you ask, because I have been implementing my LIFE CHANGES and am on my way to SELF-ACTUALIZATION. First of all, I did something I NEVER THOUGHT I WOULD EVER DO! I watched a TYLER PERRY MOVIE!!! Diary of a Mad Black Woman, to be exact. It was kind of AMAZING, although I will say that I DO NOT find Madea's certain brand of low-brow humor to be funny. Although I LOVE when women get WRONGED and give their evil husbands a comeuppance and then end up with SHEMAR MOORE:
who I must admit is quite GROWN AND SEXY. Oh, I also joined a 12-step program and have been sober since like the 3rd of January! And the good news is that now that I am sober THE UNIVERSE has OPENED UP to me! Yes, I am now aware of all the amazing PORTENTS and LIFE-CHANGING THINGS that surround us EVERY DAY! Okay, so here are the LIFE-CHANGING PORTENTS that I have come across so far:
1. So I have been going to the gym most days, and the other day I was like, "maybe I should jump rope! Hmmm.... I haven't jump roped in awhile and jump roping is fun." So I found a jump rope and jump roped for the first time in like YEARS. Then, later that VERY DAY I was watching TV and saw THIS COMMERCIAL featuring a ROBOT with a JUMP ROPE!!!!! Obviously, the universe is sending me a SIGN! OH, but can I bitch for a minute about this dude that goes to my LA Fitness and wears a t-shirt that he has cut into a tank top so that he has DEFINITIVE SIDE-MAN-BOOB with full NIPPLES!!!! It's like SO ANNOYING because I can't help but STARE. And the worst is that he's like 23 years old and attractive and straight. And I'm like, WHY CAN I SEE YOUR NIPPLES??? Like WHY ARE YOUR NIPPLES HANGING OUT. URRRGH. And it's not like his nipples slipped out, they're on FULL DISPLAY. He cut the t-shirt so that his nipples would unmistakably appear. Like I know why I would have my nipples hanging out--it would be to attract a mate much like a shaggy lion would display his full mane at a watering hole. But WHY DOES THE STRAIGHT GUY AT MY GYM HAVE HIS NIPPLES OUT???? WHYYYYYYYY? Here is a picture of what it looks like, just to add some more visual interest to this blog post:
2. I was shopping at Half-Price Books and may or may not have been looking for Sonic Youth cassettes in the cassette section (don't ask). I didn't find any, but I did stumble across the cassette tape for Barbra Streisand's album ButterFly.
Not totally astonishing or portentious except that I noticed that on this tape Barbra covers the song LIFE ON MARS!!!! Like WTF. I listened to it and it CHANGED MY LIFE.
3. I was eating at CHIK-FIL-A with my mom when I noticed that they still use STYROFOAM CUPS which seems strange since Styrofoam is bad for the environment and does not biodegrade. But then I remembered that CHIK-FIL-A is closed on Sunday and run by creepy Christians that probably don't believe in global warming because they think they are going to ascend straight to heaven when the rapture comes in a few years.
These three signs lead me to my EPIPHANY:
The UNIVERSE is trying to tell me that either
a. I will lose weight if I jump rope and avoid butter and fatty chicken sandwiches.
b. with the help of a television commercial I can become more famous than both Barbra Streisand and God.
OR
c. when the world ends I will be TURNED INTO A ROBOT and SENT TO MARS.
Personally, I'm pulling for option C, but we knew that didn't we!
MUAHAHAHAHAH.
xoxo
Craig
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