Ugh. Is it 2012 yet?

OH HAI BLOG. So I'm back from my New Year's trip to Minnesota, but now I'm DEPRESSED because I have to face the REALITY that is my life in 2010. And I might have drunkenly lost my wallet at a bar called The Gay '90s which sucks because it had a $25 Target gift card in it (and not much else. Take THAT person who tried to charge $24 of gas on my maxed out Amex. MUAHHHAHAH). Although, ON THE BRIGHTSIDE, whenever I lose something, I use it as an IRRATIONAL EXCUSE to buy a more expensive replacement for what I JUST LOST, so I think I might finally get that GOYARD WALLET I want. MUAHHAHHAHA. So much for paying off my credit cards!!! MUAHAHHAHAHAH.

JUST KIDDING. I think 2010 might really be the year I TURN IT AROUND. Which brings me to my annual tradition of creating a litany of RESOLUTIONS to get me on my way to SELF-ACTUALIZATION. Speaking of which, don't you think I should have self-actualized BY NOW???? Like how long is it going to fucking take???? URRRRGH.

BTW, in the same vein as WHY HAVE I NOT SELF-ACTUALIZED YET? WHY HAVE I NOT YET INHERITED MY MAGICAL POWERS??? Like, in the movie Teen Witch the girl gets her powers on her sixteenth birthday, and in like Harry Potter the kids are like born with magical ability but develop their powers once they get a wand, but like WHEN AM I GOING TO GET MINE??? Like, maybe in my genetic tree people don't inherit their magical powers until their 27th birthday?????? Hmmmmm.... Is 2010 going to be the YEAR I BECOME MAGIC???????? URRRRRGHHHHHHHHH.

OH NO. OH NO. OH NO. What if you can't inherit magical powers until you've SELF-ACTUALIZED???? In which case I'M FUCKED. OH well, on with the list.

So, here is my plan to self-actualize:

1. Stop drinking
2. Get a job
3. Move out of my parent's house
4. Find a hot boyfriend
5. Adopt a dog

HAHAHAHHA JUST KIDDING. FUCK THAT. HERE is my ACTUAL PLAN:

1. GET FAMOUS
2. ADOPT A BABY FROM AFRICA
3. BECOME A CYBORG

As for my SHORT-TERM GOALS, here they are:

1. Write my mystery novel
2. Become the Thomas Kinkade of cacti paintings
3. Become the Murakami of cacti paintings
4. Become the Charles Schulz of cacti paintings
5. Launch a line of t-shirts depicting graphic gay sex acts
6. Launch a line of t-shirts depicting graphic gay sex acts involving cacti
7. Whiten my teeth
8. Get a tan
9. Get a "swimmer's bod"
10. BECOME A CYBORG


THE END
HAPPY NEW YEAR or WHATEVER